LGBTQ essay test
Illustrations by Eliana Rodgers
“Our lives look the same as every other family…We do the same things, like taking our kids to the park…We live a very, very typical life. It’s just us being two women who are married and raising beautiful, wonderful kids.” These are the words of a lesbian mom we talked to reflecting on the family she has created with her wife.
As part of our efforts to explore the experiences of same-sex families in the U.S., Pew Research Center conducted a series of interviews with 30 gay, lesbian and bisexual adults raising children with a same-sex partner.
This group represents a very small portion of U.S. parents overall – less than 1% of parents are married to or living with a same-sex spouse or partner.1 This makes it difficult for researchers to be able to represent their views and experiences through a survey.
Related: The Experiences of LGBTQ Americans Today
These interviews were not designed to be representative of the entire population of LGBTQ parents or adults with a same-sex spouse or partner. The individuals’ stories are specific to each of their families, but together they provide a glimpse into the experiences of same-sex couples raising kids.
Many of the parents we interviewed talked about how their experiences raising their families are just like anyone else’s. They love their children, struggle to juggle many responsibilities and worry about paying their bills.
But they also face some unique challenges:
- Their path to parenthood is often difficult and expensive. Many participants spoke about their experiences looking for sperm or egg donors or navigating the adoption process as a same-sex family.
- Their families don’t always “fit the norm.” One dad with a same-sex spouse talked about having to decide who would be on their child’s birth certificate since only one father could be listed. Other participants mentioned having to correct people who assume their children have a mother and a father.
- They worry about what the future might hold for families like theirs. Some parents worry about federal policies that could strip their legal rights to their children because they are a same-sex couple.
Some also talked about the ways in which they feel supported and celebrated as a same-sex family:
- Several parents described the support they get from their own parents. We heard stories about grandparents covering childcare when these couples returned to work following parental leave. Some described the financial help they received from their parents to help with the mounting fertility costs to have their children.
- Living in a welcoming community helps them feel safe as a family. One parent we talked to mentioned the relief he felt when their pediatrician immediately used language recognizing the child has two dads without having to explain their family. Another described their LGBTQ-friendly church that provides a welcoming space for their family.
- Friends often provide a safety net for navigating family life. Some parents mentioned the gratitude they felt when their close friends – or chosen family – stepped in to help them prepare their home to welcome their adopted children. Often without other same-sex parents nearby, social media provides a tool to connect and learn about life as a LGBTQ parent.
Journey to becoming a parent
Paths to parenthood
Many parents we talked to said they always knew they wanted to be a parent. But some weren’t sure this would be possible or how it could happen. As one dad said, “As a gay man, I never really envisioned myself having a family. Not with biological children anyway.”
Research has shown that a majority of same-sex couples have biological children, often through assisted reproduction or a previous different-sex relationship. Assisted reproduction can include things like in-vitro fertilization (IVF) with sperm from a donor, or surrogacy with an egg from a donor and a surrogate who carries the pregnancy. But many same-sex couples adopt or foster to build their families.
Our respondents mentioned several ways they welcomed children into their lives, which were sometimes different from one child to another within the same family.
For some couples, the path to parenthood did not go as they expected. One parent described a long process that took nearly a decade. Some mentioned roadblocks like restrictions that ruled out adoption for same-sex couples, or difficulty finding a donor.
“We ultimately landed on IVF doing surrogacy because although it was the pricier of the two, which is such a barrier to entry for so many people, unfortunately, and it certainly was not easy for us either, but we felt like we had a little more control over the pace of the process. You know, we just have known so many wonderful, amazing gay couples who so desperately want to be parents but have been on waiting lists for such a long time, and you know…time wasn’t really on our side in that regard.”
Father, 30s
“We knew that we wanted to do reciprocal IVF. I have always wanted to be pregnant, and my wife has never wanted to be pregnant. So we knew that we were going to use [my wife’s] eggs and donor sperm, and then I was going to carry. So once we picked a donor, we started the process with our fertility clinic of my wife going through her egg retrievals.”
Mother, 20s
“You need an agency in your home state to do what’s called a home study to sort of validate and prove that you are fit and legit to be parents. But all three of our children were adopted from [another state]. So there’s not a lot of adoptions that happen in [the state where we live]. There’s a lot more people looking to adopt than there are adoptions.”
Father, 30s
“She had two children when we met, so we have four children total … You know, it doesn’t matter how they were born in their mind as well. The first two are biologically hers [from a previous different-sex relationship], the second two are biologically mine… We did IVF and had a friend help us because we wanted to know the father. We didn’t want to have some distant person that we didn’t know.”
Mother, 40s
Legal hurdles and cost
Many of the people we talked to mentioned legal steps they had to take to establish their rights as a parent. This often included the lengthy and expensive process of adopting children, defining legal rights in surrogacy, or protecting the right of the non-biological or non-gestational parent.
“With surrogacy there’s a lot more legal paperwork …There’s the paperwork with the egg donor, there’s the legal stuff with the surrogate, and there’s sort of a negotiation about, you know, what are the terms of this agreement? And then there’s a lot of stuff that you need to file with the state to get them. Only certain states will allow surrogacy. It’s a lot more complicated legally for surrogacy.”
Father, 40s
“So in [my state], the person who gives birth is listed as the mother on the birth certificate. And so we knew that my wife was going to have to do second parent adoption, even though it’s her embryo… And then my wife legally adopted our daughter, literally as soon as we got that birth certificate and could send all of that paperwork in. Because we often go on vacation in states [in the South]. And I said to my wife, you know, what happens if we have to go to the hospital because something happens? And, like, you have no parental rights or I have no parental right.”
Mother, 20s
We also heard from several people about the financial cost of building their family, especially when it involved adoption, surrogacy, and donor conception. These processes often entail agency, legal and medical fees that are cost prohibitive for some couples.
“I mean, you have the financial piece, which is probably one of the greatest stressors that there is in terms of how expensive that it is, especially for two men oftentimes. And this is making a big leap in assumption, but like, if potentially two women, if one of them were willing to carry, then immediately the cost of their process, while still large, goes down significantly. Because they’re not paying someone to carry their embryo. So the cost is – especially for two men – is just like insane.”
Father, 30s
“I think the biggest thing honestly was the insurance. You know, with my first company that we were trying, we got denied the insurance. They gave $15,000 for fertility benefits. But gay couples couldn’t use it because you had to have a medical diagnosis of infertility. Both of us have sperm, so we’re not medically diagnosed as infertile. But we can’t make a baby together.”
Father, 50s
“When I got pregnant with our second…we did have to pay more for me. I didn’t qualify via the insurance to have it covered right away. I think they covered the third [IUI] cycle… Even two cycles cost us almost $10,000. But we were lucky that we had saved and were able to do that.”
Mother, 40s
The experiences of same-sex couples raising kids
Defining their family
Many same-sex parents described the unique experiences they’ve had as their children have gotten older and learned more about their family. Often this involved navigating conversations with their children about how their family structure may look “different” compared with other families. Some parents said they sought out books or other forms of media to help educate their children about LGBTQ families and having same-sex parents.
This also often meant having conversations about people who are not accepting of same-sex families. As a result, a few parents said, their kids are cautious in telling people about their family.
“So we have lots of books, lots of two dad books, lots of two mom books, lots of all different types of family books to expose him to. There’s a book that’s called the Family book that he’s obsessed with right now. It just talks about all the different types of families, including aliens and some families with two moms or two dads or, you know, with just one parent. But when we get to that page, he’ll be like, I have two dads. So he’s aware of that. And we talk about that all the time. Especially when we’re around other couples with kids I like to point out to him, just so he’s even more aware of it. I’m like, ‘Oh, this kid has two moms,’ or ‘This kid has a mom and a dad.’
Father, 30s
“I think she’s guarded overall. Definitely guarded at school, because, you just, you don’t want to risk getting bullied or kind of scrutinized or have people make nasty comments… And sometimes we go to church… She’s pretty open about it [there]. So it just depends on the environment. But I would say the place she’s most guarded would be school.”
Father, 50s
“[At school,] they’d be like, ‘Oh, is that the nanny?’ And she’s like, ‘No, that’s my mama.’ ‘Who’s your real mom?’ And she’s like, ‘She is my real mom.’ Because we always taught her, you know, it’s hard when you’re a same-sex couple. Kids learn, oh, there’s a mommy and a daddy and you know, they have a baby. And so I always said to her, you were conceived in mommy’s belly, but you [were] also conceived in mama’s heart.”
Mother, 50s
Finding support from family and friends
The parents we spoke with described different sources of support. Some said their parents, siblings, and extended family are supportive of their relationship with their spouse or partner and their children.
Several parents mentioned a difficult coming out process. Sometimes their relationship with their parents changed over time and they became closer with their parents when they had children of their own.
“I definitely felt loved and celebrated. In general, like, our families are really supportive. My partner is from West Virginia and has a pretty Republican family in a lot of ways. But even they are really, really incredible with us and absolutely love the kids.”
Mother, 30s
“My parents have been our biggest advocates and biggest supporters. They were there for us every single moment along the journey. They were helping pay some of our adoption fees for us and all that. They were at the hospital when both of our daughters were born.”
Father, 40s
“I think for a while, she struggled with me being queer, but also just being in a relationship and being married and moving away from home. But I think sharing motherhood has been a highlight of our relationship, because now I think I understand her a little bit better. She understands me a little bit better… that has been really good for us in our relationship.”
Mother, 20s
Not all parents in a same-sex relationship feel supported by their parents or extended family. In fact, several parents mentioned having some complicated family relationships due to their sexual orientation. Religion and politics often play a role in straining these relationships.
“I have some distant family, cousins, and especially the parents of those cousins that don’t approve. So I basically just cut contact with people who don’t accept me for who I am and don’t accept my lifestyle or the people that, you know, I’m attracted to.”
Person, Gender
“My oldest brother, we maybe every year say I love you, or, you know, talk for a few minutes, but my actual sister disowned me.”
Person, Gender
“[My partner’s] family, it’s a bit different because they were very conservative and they wanted their daughter to marry a man, and it was, like, really important to them. So she hasn’t been in contact with them for a while. I mean, she hopes she can [have] a relationship with them. I hope so, too … They were also very religious and…they didn’t want any of that in their family.”
Person, Gender
Support from friends
Our survey of LGBTQ adults shows that 84% say all or most of their friends are accepting of them. This is reflected in what parents raising children with a same-sex partner told us in the interviews. Several parents mentioned how excited their friends were for them to become parents and how these friends made an effort to be present in this new chapter of their lives.
“I will say our tribe, our village, our squad, whatever word you want to use. They swooped in immediately between dropping clothes off, dropping supplies off the minute we got the call. And that has brought a sense of gratitude that I had never felt before.”
Father, 30s
“I know this is, cliche, but our chosen family, our friends, you know, here we’ve got a really solid support system. So many great friends [think] of us as a family.”
Father, 30s
Day-to-day life as a parent
When it comes to their day-to-day experiences, same-sex parents express a variety of approaches to parenting. Some parents assume specific roles of the “strict” vs. the “lenient” parent, while others don’t stick to certain types of roles.
Like lots of other families, these parents described evolving systems of splitting up the everyday chores and tasks in addition to paid work and childcare. For these same-sex couples, responsibilities at work often impacted who would take on more childcare or household duties. Preferences for certain chores or childcare also play a factor.
“We are totally opposite. We’re both very gentle and we’re both very affectionate, but I am much more stern and much more strict. So whereas they can get away with something with [my spouse] maybe, or something’s not caught by her, I’m like, ‘Absolutely not. We’re not doing that.”
Mother, 30s
“Playing off our strengths… He was really good at putting the baby down, so he got to enjoy that at nighttime as part of his responsibility. But I wouldn’t say things [are] set in stone of who does what… I wouldn’t say we try to be a mother and father. We just try to nurture and love him and teach him.”
Father, 30s
“We figure out the division of labor. And so I’m the cook. He does the cleaning, does the dishes and so forth. If there’s a sick day, it’s usually me because I have a more flexible work schedule, like, who ends up watching the kids and doing a lot more of the childcare. And so we kind of work out those systems. Now we’re at the point where it’s like we schedule every two weeks a meeting to talk about how did the last two weeks go? Like, what are the things that we need to figure out to do the next two weeks?”
Father, 40s
Life in their local community
We heard a diverse set of experiences from the parents we spoke with when it comes to the level of acceptance for LGBTQ families where they live. Some parents described immediate acceptance as a same-sex family. Other parents said they sometimes hesitated to even mention they have a same-sex partner to avoid uncomfortable comments or reactions.
Many respondents cited the political climate of their community as a major factor in shaping their everyday experiences as a family. Those who live in states with more restrictive laws around LGBTQ issues mentioned a climate that made being a same-sex family more difficult. Parents who live in states with more protections for LGBTQ people described a sense of acceptance and openness for them and their family.
Still, many parents painted a picture of their immediate neighborhood as friendly and welcoming. Some described their community as a “bubble.” They recognize their experiences as a family may not reflect other families like theirs in different parts of their state.
“I love our pediatrician. And it’s because they didn’t even…there was no, like, pause. There was no…I don’t even know how to describe it, but between the staff, the nurse, the doctor, there was no tiptoeing. It was just second nature for them to just say, ‘All right, so which parent?’ Not like, then pause, like, ‘Wait, your husband?’ It was just, ‘Which parent is going to be the lead on this?’”
Father, 30s
“Well, I already mentioned, you know, the Methodist church is very welcoming. When we go to the grocery store, we feel kind of comfortable because it’s very gay friendly neighborhood. But I guess, when you go to the suburbs and stuff like that, when you’re outside of gay friendly neighborhoods, sometimes people kind of look at you funny once in a while. It’s like you’re different.”
Father, 50s
“We see same-sex couples. We have same-sex couples in our life. And so it feels good to be here and be celebrated in that way. There’s, you know, at Pride, they have Family Day, and so there’s families out and about. And there are a lot of us… We’re around other families in the community, which feels good.”
Father, 50s
“I don’t even really know any other queer people in this town. I know they exist. I know that they’ve got to be here somewhere. But because I also don’t feel as safe, you know, saying, ‘Oh, my wife and I,’ at library story time when I’m talking to the other moms, it’s hard for me to know if any other queer families exist here because I haven’t felt comfortable enough to disclose that about my own identity.”
Mother, 20s
Misconceptions about LGBTQ families
More broadly, gay, lesbian and bisexual parents describe different misconceptions they see in society about families like theirs. In a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, we found that about a quarter (26%) of U.S. adults overall say a married gay or lesbian couple raising children together is unacceptable. And 28% say this about a gay or lesbian couple who are not married raising kids.
A few parents also talked about stereotypes about people who are LGBTQ, such as claims that LGBTQ parents actively encourage their children to be LGBTQ as well. They also encounter negative assumptions about the impact of having same-sex parents on their children. Some shared stories where people assumed because they have children, they must be straight.
“To me, the assumption that somehow, because we’re two men, that we somehow lack the ability to parent our child. And then also because we are public figures on social media, like, we get comments, people saying, ‘Where’s the mom? The child needs a mom. It’s so sad.’ We get a lot of comments. It does tell me a lot about [what] the general population thinks.”
Father, 40s
“My husband and I would be completely fine if both the boys are straight. We’re not pushing towards anything. It’s completely up to them to decide about their sexuality or they don’t even have to label it. They don’t even have to know. But we’re not going to impose anything. And I think a lot of people think that gays want to just raise more gays or whatever, for whatever reason. Like, we respect people for who they are – and kids—and we respect their freedom of choice.”
Person, Gender
“Some people might still think that it’s not as good as a mom and a dad. You know, they think that children need mom and dad, and otherwise they’re going to be confused. But I don’t agree with that. I think children need parents that love them and can take care of them. And it doesn’t matter what gender they are. It doesn’t matter if it’s mom or dad or dad or dad or mom or mom.”
Mother, 20s
“The first time we ever took [our baby] out in public… and we went to a store just to walk around, and there was a lady. She looked at us like we were aliens walking in with a baby. Two men walking in with a baby. I thought her head was going to spin 360 degrees… My favorite thing is when somebody might say to us, ‘Oh, is it the mom’s day off?’ Right? Or they might say, you know, ‘Dad’s day out, huh? Left the wives at home.’ I just always chalk it up to people don’t know. They’re just not used to seeing it.”
Father, 40s
Being a parent in the LGBTQ community
Parents shared a mix of opinions on how connected they feel to a broader LGBTQ community. Some said it doesn’t really play a large role in their lives. Others mentioned LGBTQ community events they regularly participate in, including local Pride events or sports leagues.
Many parents mentioned using social media to connect with other LGBTQ families in their area and find resources to help them in their path to parenthood or as same-sex families. And a couple participants mentioned how their involvement with the LGBTQ community has changed since becoming parents, such as being more vocal about LGBTQ rights.
“Social media. We certainly found a community of gay dads on social media that had been through some similar things.”
Father, 30s
“I’ve had friends, because we’re the LGBT parent or we’re lesbians, we’ve had softball girls come to us because they’re wanting to come out to their mom or things like that. So we’ve gotten in touch with PFLAG and had them come out to our softball games and talk to the moms. Yeah, we try to help in any way we can, and let them know that they’re not alone. And everything that’s happening now isn’t going to be that way when you get older. Just give it time. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Mother, 40s
“I feel like I’ve become more of an advocate for the LGBT community. Becoming a parent definitely, definitely shifted my focus and want to fight to make sure that we have our rights. And my daughter grows up in a world where she feels protected and seen and not different.”
Father, 40s
Politics and legal challenges
Our recent survey of LGBTQ adults found that most in this group think the policies of the Trump administration will have a negative impact on people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.
When we asked these parents about their views on the political atmosphere around LGBTQ-issues, some mentioned possible changes to state law or Supreme Court decisions that could impact their marital or parental rights. These concerns often varied based on the political leaning of their state.
Many spoke about steps they are taking to protect their family, including pursuing second parent adoption and even being ready to move to a different country if needed.
“So we have discussed, if need be, which I’m hoping it doesn’t ever come down to this or anything, but not being in America anymore. So keeping all of our passports and all that up to date and making sure that all of our documents are ready to go in case anything does happen again.”
Mother, 30s
“But [we] kind of just put off the second parent adoption. We knew we needed to. There’s been different urgency now, so we’re working on that and trying to do that as quickly as we can.”
Mother, 30s
“Whether things happen outside of our state, our marriage is still safe in our state. And that is very reassuring and is a huge thing that will probably keep us in the state. I do feel protected in that sense that, like, okay, you can’t control individuals, but to know that your state government has your back is really, really nice at this particular moment in time.”
Mother, 30s
“Some of the politicians in [our state] can be very discriminatory towards the LGBT community. So, it makes you feel kind of disenfranchised sometimes.”
Father, 50s
Future hopes for LGBTQ families
Same-sex parents expressed a variety of hopes for their personal future and that of the broader community.
Many participants outlined their hopes to ensure the rights of people who are LGBTQ, especially transgender people. Drawing on their experiences where they live, many also described their hope for broader acceptance of LGBTQ families across the country.
Thinking about the difficulty in building their families, some parents shared hopes for improving access and affordability for LGBTQ people to start families.
“I just hope that when our children grow, they do better than what they see today. I mean, a lot has evolved. Years ago, we couldn’t get married, and now we can get married and we can have children. For me, I would like to see our community grow and be more widely accepted and still not have those prejudices that they have today or the thing about two moms and two dads.”
Mother, 50s
“I would love to see that there are benefits that allow all families to have children. Like, right now, it’s like we had to come up with $200,000. Most people can’t do that. We’re blessed. I also had to wait until I’m 50 years old to have that kind of money. I couldn’t do this in my 20s or my 30s when it would have been easier for me physically to walk, you know, with a baby.”
Father, 50s
“My hopes are that in places where it may be harder…states and different towns and everything where the rights of LGBTQ people aren’t the same as they are here, that it can get to a point where it is just all across the board.”
Mother, 30s
About this study
Pew Research Center conducted this study to understand the experiences of parents raising children with a same-sex spouse or partner. This study is part of a broader project focused on the experiences of LGBTQ adults 10 years after the Supreme Court’s Obergefell v. Hodges ruling legalized same-sex marriage nationwide. In addition to these interviews with same-sex parents, the project includes a survey of LGBTQ adults that explores how they see the impact of Obergefell and how they view social acceptance for LGBTQ people more broadly, as well as the experiences of those in same-sex relationships. Because the number of same-sex parents in the survey is too small to analyze separately, we conducted these interviews to be able to explore this aspect of family life for LGBTQ adults. This research also builds on our broader research on parenting in America.
For this study, we worked with PSB Insights to conduct in-depth interviews from Nov. 4 to 25, 2024 with 15 men and 15 women raising children younger than 18 with a same-sex spouse or partner. Participants were recruited by RRU Global through targeted email outreach among their panel of qualified candidates and through connections with potential participants through LGBTQ networks and outreach to LGBTQ parent groups via social media. Candidates were eligible if they met the technology requirements to participate in an online interview as well as the following criteria: they are 18 years of age or older; identify as LGBTQ and are married to or living with a same-sex spouse or partner; they are jointly raising a child age 17 or younger living in their household at least 50% of the time. The participants were a mix of ages, races/ethnicities, and from all four regions of the U.S. For more details, see the Methodology.
The findings are not statistically representative and cannot be extrapolated to wider populations.
Some quotes have been lightly edited for clarity, brevity and or to remove identifying details. In this essay, participants are identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual based on their answers to the screening questionnaire. These words don’t necessarily encompass all of the ways in which participants described their sexual orientation. Participants’ ages are grouped to better preserve their anonymity.